The Kind of Parent I’m Trying to Be
Our modern dilemma
I recently came across this quote, and it landed:
“The real problem of humanity is the following: We have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions, and godlike technology.”
— Edward O. Wilson
I don’t think about it in an abstract way.
I think about it in a living room way.
In a school pickup line way.
In a “can I have a phone yet?” way.
We’re raising kids with ancient nervous systems inside bodies that evolved to survive scarcity, danger, and social belonging. Their brains are tuned for rewards that once came slowly and meant something. Food after effort. Praise after contribution. Safety after vigilance.
And to be clear, this wiring isn’t unique to kids. We’re all wired for this.
All humankind struggles with this, too. I do.
The difference is our developmental stage.
My nervous system may be old, but my boys’ brains are still under construction. Still calibrating reward. Still learning what effort, satisfaction, and meaning feel like in the body. What we as adults can sometimes override with experience and context, our kids absorb while their systems are still being shaped.
That distinction matters.
Because now we have developed devices that deliver novelty, validation, stimulation, and comparison on demand. No effort. No delay. No friction.
So pretending kids should just “have more discipline” feels irresponsible if not delusional.
The main driver here is dopamine (our ‘happiness hormone’).
Dopamine evolved to reinforce adaptive behavior. It teaches the brain, this mattered, do it again. But that system assumes effort, uncertainty, and time. It was never designed to compete with an infinite scroll, algorithmic rewards, and platforms engineered to hold attention as long as possible.
That mismatch is the mountain we are climbing.
When I watch my kids get pulled toward screens, I get frustrated and sometimes defeated, but I don’t see it as a weakness in them or in me. I see biology doing exactly what it was designed to do in an environment it has not evolved to handle.
This understanding has changed how I want to parent.
Not with fear. Not with control.
But with structure, timing, and protection (as much as I can muster and we can manage).
I’m not trying to raise kids who never struggle with technology. That’s not realistic. I’m trying to raise kids who meet it later, with more context, more self-trust, and a nervous system that’s had time to wire itself through real-world feedback.
Boredom.
Physical play.
Face-to-face conflict.
Delayed gratification.
Even some silence (the scariest!)
These aren’t nostalgic values. They’re developmental inputs.
I also approach this from a specific era of technology adoption.
My first flip phone came when I was 19. My first smartphone showed up in the mid-2000s. By then, my brain was mostly formed. I had years of unstructured time, boredom, social friction, and offline life behind me.
And even with that foundation, I still easily feel the pull like most of us.
I still have to actively fight the dopamine loop of modern tech. I still notice the reflex to scroll when I’m tired. The urge to check instead of sit. The way my attention fragments without me realizing it.
I try not to see it as a personal flaw, but rather as an opportunity and a test.
Which is exactly why this feels so important with my boys at 8 and 10.
If my grown brain struggles to regulate against these systems, I can’t honestly expect theirs to do better. They are still learning what “normal” feels like.
So when I say I’m trying to protect their brains, I don’t mean bubble-wrapping them.
I mean buying time for boredom to teach creativity, for frustration to teach persistence, and for IRL connection to shape their sense of belonging.
I don’t expect my boys to thank me for delayed access to smartphones/devices or tighter boundaries. That’s fine. My job isn’t to win short-term approval. It’s to safeguard the conditions that let them grow into themselves without being hijacked by these precarious technological times.
I’m not anti-technology.
I’m pro-timing.
Pro-development.
Pro-reality about how brains actually work.
If we accept that we all have these prehistoric brains, then the question isn’t whether kids can handle this.
It’s why are we asking them to—so early?
Sidebar. I wanted to share here the one parenting lesson I keep coming back to:
The most important skill I’ve learned so far isn’t getting it right the first time.
It’s repair.
Owning when I miss.
Coming back.
Reconnecting.
Naming what happened.
And teaching the boys to do the same.
Repair isn’t just a parenting skill. It’s a life skill. Relationships don’t require perfection to be safe. They require honesty and return.
I’m excited to keep talking more openly about my parenting journey and what I’m learning. Not as a blueprint. Not as certainty. Just as practice.
I’d love to hear your curiosities and interests around healthy parenting lifestyles. Feel free to reply directly here with any comments or questions you may have!